Disappointment Comes In Many Forms

Disappointment. A word no one likes to hear, especially from a loved one. That is one of the worst things someone could say to you; saying they are so disappointed in what you have done. As a child, and then a teenager, I never knew how much disappointment could hurt you when you are disappointed in yourself. I’ve always been the one who someone is disappointed at, and never really the other way around. Well, until the other day.

I waited a little bit, to truly know what to say and how to feel about what happened, and I am still so upset and..disappointed. To give a bit of a back story, I was supposed to be in my junior year of college, but sadly I am not. To become a teacher, I have to get into the cohort for education majors. This includes applying and an interview, along with other things. Sadly, I didn’t have everything in place to apply and, in the end, couldn’t enter the cohort, so I have to wait a year. And it isn’t that I’m sad about, it’s what my parents didn’t allow me to do.

In the year that I have to wait to apply to be in the cohort, I wanted to take some sign language courses. I took one during the summer, and wanted to continue learning, so I could become fluent. I was only going to take one course this semester, but once I told my parents, they weren’t so thrilled. They told me I had to withdraw from the school, until next year. I did what they asked, but I cannot stop thinking about how disappointed I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am still trying to learn, and teach myself sign language, but it would have been better with a teacher in the same room as I am.

Sign language is something I really want to learn and be able to do. If I do become fluent in  the next few years, I want to see about becoming a teacher to only deaf students. That is my dream, but with what has happened, I can’t say that I am disappointed in what my parents made me do. But in the long run, it just gave me more of a push. This made me realize how much I want this, and will push me to learn more and more without a real teacher.

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Just One Word…

I know I haven’t written in a while, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better at this whole blog thing. But something at work happened today, and I just had to type it all out, and put it out there for the world.

Have you ever been talking to someone, or listening to their story, and it just makes all these memories (good or bad) come rushing back? Well I get this all the time, and the memories that came back today about knocked the wind right out of me. This woman came into JCPenny’s today, and I have seen her there before. She always talks to me, and I love our conversations. She is so intelligent, wise, and kind; I could just listen to her for hours on end. This woman hasn’t had the best hands dealt, but she always tries to remain positive (and I don’t know how she does it). I digress. Anyway, she put the world and what’s important into perspective.

I asked her how the new job was going, and she explained they decided to give it to someone else, all because of how she looked. That shocked me, because she came to get a new outfit (that I helped pick out) for this job, and she could barely afford it, but she decided to invest to start making money, and do good at this new job. She went on to say that this manager was very rude to her, and made her feel so bad. Like a middle schooler looking at a model in a magazine. Which I couldn’t understand, because she was so beautiful to me, and it wasn’t just her outer appearance. But, she said that she could only except it and move on after seeing a terrible car accident.

This accident had 3 hospitalized and 1 died on impact. I had to go look it up after I got off work, to understand how bad it was. She stated that she and her cousin stopped to see if they could help, and when walking to the cars, found a prosthetic leg. Turns out it belonged to one of the victims. She went on to describe how awful these people were, with all the gashes and wounds. I could only imagine how bad it actually was. When she was telling her story,  I began to think of my family’s own tragedy that happened.

My father was in a wreck, with a drunk driver, when I was younger. It was awful, and I almost lost my dad forever. It seemed like a miracle happened, and it turned out that it’s exactly what happened. He mentioned he heard God’s voice to “move over and slow down, this is gonna hurt.” You may not believe in God or a higher power, and that is perfectly fine. But after that, I had no problem with my faith. It actually became worse when we found that my dad’s neck was broken, and the doctor’s didn’t notice the break until 3 years later.

While she was telling her story, my eyes began to turn red and I started to tear up. I had to leave the kiosk and calm myself down, after she left. Maybe I was supposed to hear all of this today for some reason. It made me honestly start thinking about my life and what I view as important. And this may honestly have no effect on you, and that is fine too. I just needed to get my story out, even it only helps one person. Just know that whatever you may be going through, you will get through it and it may seem terrible at the time, but it happened for a reason, and it will make you stronger. I know that I sure am.

You know, I’ve been thinking lately. About my future, my life in general, my choices I’ve made. It just seems like my life is going down this huge black pit. Have you guys felt like that? Like you can’t control anything that is happening to you? Like all you can do it sit back and watch?

Recently, I have been having trouble with school. I’m applying to enter the education major cohort, and it seems like nothing is going my way. My GPA isn’t high enough by only a few points, the website isn’t letting me pay to take some exams I need to, and more. I know I am most likely just blaming everything but myself. And I know, the GPA thing is my fault, and I am currently working on that. But I just want something to just once go my way.

You see, I recently broke up with my boyfriend… well ex-boyfriend. During our relationship, I had a hand-full of medical problems. Things from finding out I was anemic, to ovarian cysts, to bleeding for three straight months. (SORRY BOYS). But, things got strangely good, after we ended it. All of my medical problems seem to vanish, except for anemia. It seems like he was the reason my body was acting against me. Like it was God’s way of telling me that he wasn’t good or me. Could he doing the same thing for college? Could I be possibly made to do something else with my life?

I have been shown so many different things recently; things that are people’s life. One was the head person of an orphanage in Haiti, and she seemed amazing. Everything she has done for this place was great. It got me thinking. What if I was meant to do something that actually affects lives of others? I want my life to help others, whether they be in physical or mental need. I guess the only thing to do is see where God and I take this.

Journal topic for the day: What is your major goal in life? What can you do to make this happen?

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Today I was just wandering through Pinterest, and came across this quote. It spoke to me on so many levels. Recently, I have had problems, and the thought of taking away how sensitive I was would somehow solve all of my problems. I thought, if I couldn’t feel things the way I do, then maybe I would be a stronger person, that I would be respected and people would actually care for what I had to say or do. But now, I realize that if I could possibly take away this one trait, everything about me would turn dark.

Words Speak in Many Ways

Over the past year, I have had many difficulties and hardships. All of the things that have happened have built up my stress to new and high measures, as well as wearing down my spirit and body. You see, through the year I’ve had two grandparents die, found out I am anemic, found ovarian cysts, did horribly in this last semester of college, and more. I know that the grades thing doesn’t seem that major, compared to the rest that has happened, but this past semester determines whether or not I get into the cohort, for my major.

For the past half year, things kept building and piling up. I tried to do everything, in my power, to work with the situations that were handed to me, but somewhere along the way I gave up. I saw what was happening and I just didn’t care anymore. I wanted to just give up, and move back home, instead of having to deal with a lot of this on my own.

With recent events, my mom and I had a long heart-to-heart. She saw how hard everything was hitting me, and how I couldn’t handle it, mentally or physically. She gave me some advice; to read the bible when I was worried or couldn’t sleep. Normally, I just brushed it off and didn’t think anything of it. Until it started getting worse. I started to not be able to sleep, at all. (Like at the most 4 hours in a night). And then, I started to have difficulties that are feminine. So, tonight I was up and started to feel pain around where my ovaries are, and being the person I am, I looked up these symptoms (mostly to freak myself out). But, I started to think what if I actually have ovarian cancer, or have to get my ovaries removed. I’m too young for that; I am only 19 years old.

Remembering what my mom said, I grabbed my bible and opened it to a random page and started reading. I couldn’t believe it. It was talking about how God can fix all of our problems, whether it be big or small, and that I need to have faith in him and he will do great things. So, I set my bible down and prayed to God, telling him everything and asking for his healing touch. When I was done, I picked the bible back up and opened to another page. This time it told me that I will have to be patient, and believe that God will help me, in his own time.

I know maybe some of y’all aren’t religious, or believe in God, but I do. I believe that he is an amazing God, and he will do great things in our lives. Through this, he has rested my spirit. I urge you to do the same thing.

Journal topic for the day: Write down a prayer, even if you aren’t religious. Write down all the troubles that are effecting you, at this moment, to get it off your chest.

What A Great Time…

What a great way to start off the year.

Everyone dreams and wants that midnight kiss on New Year’s, with the one person they love. I dreamt of that this year with my boyfriend, Tyler. We were both in separate states for Christmas, and neither of us could wait to get back just in time for New Year’s Eve. But, to my disappointment, his flight didn’t get in until after midnight…or so he told.

You see, when you tell a lie, make sure to not make a mistake…or several. Tyler told me his flight was two different times, when it actually turned out to be neither. How did I find out? If you are supposed to be flying, don’t text the person you are hiding it from. Then he had the smart idea to SnapChat me a picture, where I could see where he was.

I would have been fine if he just told me that he wanted to spend time with his friends, but right as I called him out for it, he started ignoring me. I haven’t been able to talk to him all night long. This is just how I wanted to spend my New Year’s Day; crying in my room. Whelp, I guess you could say I’m starting off the new year single.

Journal for the day: What was your best or worst New Year’s celebration?

The Major Component

Relationships. The  most difficult and time consuming thing a human does. But why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves in the line of fire, just to feel somewhat less alone? We consume most of our lives trying to find our “soulmate”, doing everything in our power to create this fairytale ending.

Don’t get me wrong, I do the same thing. I have a boyfriend, that I care so much for, but sometimes I question myself. Like today, we were supposed to go out to eat, for a date, but then I saw that he was making plans with one of his fraternity brothers. I asked him about it, thinking that he forgot what we were going to do. He replied saying that he lost his debit card, and we couldn’t go out. I understood, but this isn’t the first time he has either forgot about me, or pushed our plans to the side.

I, for one, have never been good at relationships. Actually I am bloody awful. I always seem to find something wrong with the guy, and pick at it till I make it bleed, per say. But this one is different. We have had our fights and makeups, our silent days. He and I both have done stuff that neither of us like. Usually I would see that thing or things that he did, and make that a reason to breakup with him. But I don’t want that. Even through our struggles, I have always told myself that we can fix it.

Is this what true love is? Being able to go through any and everything, and still wanting to be with them. Through thick and thin. Or am I wasting my time? I care so much for him, and I hate fighting. I just wish it would be…perfect.

Journal topic for the day: Think about the first time you fell in love. Go through and write your high points and low points of the relationship, and how this made you stronger.