Muscle Memory

Everyone has a story, whether good or bad, and random things throughout the day can trigger memories of what happened. We hear all these stories of abuse and kidnappings, thinking that it will never happen to us. We feel so bad for those people, and we view them as broken or damaged. And maybe that is true, in a sense. These individuals hate talking about what they went through, and I understand why now. They don’t want to be seen as damaged goods that cannot be fixed.

I honestly thought that I would never talk, let alone write about this, but I figured this is something that I need to get off my chest. Today I was at work, and it was a pretty slow day. So, my coworker (who is male) and I were just hanging out and picking on each other. He decides to pretend like he’s about to kick me, to scare me a little, but he didn’t know about my past. No one does.

When he does this, I flinch to protect myself and move away as fast as possible. To most people, my reaction would have been overboard, but to me it was right. All of a sudden these memories come rushing back to a past relationship, that wasn’t the best. This coworker sees how scared I was, and said, “You know I would never hurt you right?” I apologized and said it was just muscle memory. He didn’t know about the bruises, and marks I used to have hidden under clothing and makeup. He didn’t know about the relationship I was scared to be in, but also scared to leave. He didn’t know anything.

After work, he made me talk about what happened and he did what any other person would do….look at me differently. There is a certain look people give you when they pity you, and I cannot stand it. I am not disabled, I am not broken. Yes, I flinch when I think people will hit me or harm me, in some way. But, I am still me, and if anything, I am stronger than I was before. This relationship shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. People think, “well why wouldn’t they get out faster, and leave this sorry person behind?” One word: terrified. I have seen what it is like when they get mad, and by that, I didn’t want to see when I decided to leave him.

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Funk, Depression, Or Funky Depression?

Have you ever been in the mood to do absolutely nothing; never having any energy to even get out of bed? That has been me for the past couple of days. I didn’t think anything of it, until I spent 4 days in bed, only getting out to get food or use the bathroom. I thought maybe its because I’m lazy and have no plans, but the more I thought about it, it started when I had to drop out of class, and withdraw from school.

My train of thought transferred to the reasoning that it’s just because I am used to having to go to class, and now with that gone, I don’t know what to do. But that couldn’t really be the reason for my funk. Then it hit me today, I could possibly be depressed because the class that I had to drop out of was my favorite class of all times, and I was so excited to take it. I don’t even want to talk to my roommates anymore. They have been my best friends for 5 years now, and now when I even hear them laughing and having fun, in the living room, I get so irritated. But yet, I don’t want to go out there and chat with them and have fun; I just want to sit in my room, in the peace and quiet. I saw this quote and it described what I am feeling.

“Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don’t exist.”

I think this is because they don’t know how to interact with me anymore. When I told them I was withdrawing from the school, they just said, “Oh, that’s sad.” Nothing else. And once I arrived back to the apartment, it hasn’t been the same. They are both in class, and have no idea how to talk around me and how to act, when I am with them. I feel like they want to keep me in this safety bubble, and they are afraid that one day if they say the wrong thing, that I will burst and have this total meltdown. So, with them treating me like this fragile infant, I just got fed up with dealing with them, and withdrew myself from them too.

I feel like the longer I am in the funk, or whatever it is, I will completely withdraw from the world. I don’t even want to step outside of my room anymore.I have no idea what is happening to me; I was never like this before. Though I am an introvert, I have always been a happy person and always smiling. Now nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

If anyone has any ideas of what could help, I would really appreciate it. I miss my old self, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.