Funk, Depression, Or Funky Depression?

Have you ever been in the mood to do absolutely nothing; never having any energy to even get out of bed? That has been me for the past couple of days. I didn’t think anything of it, until I spent 4 days in bed, only getting out to get food or use the bathroom. I thought maybe its because I’m lazy and have no plans, but the more I thought about it, it started when I had to drop out of class, and withdraw from school.

My train of thought transferred to the reasoning that it’s just because I am used to having to go to class, and now with that gone, I don’t know what to do. But that couldn’t really be the reason for my funk. Then it hit me today, I could possibly be depressed because the class that I had to drop out of was my favorite class of all times, and I was so excited to take it. I don’t even want to talk to my roommates anymore. They have been my best friends for 5 years now, and now when I even hear them laughing and having fun, in the living room, I get so irritated. But yet, I don’t want to go out there and chat with them and have fun; I just want to sit in my room, in the peace and quiet. I saw this quote and it described what I am feeling.

“Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don’t exist.”

I think this is because they don’t know how to interact with me anymore. When I told them I was withdrawing from the school, they just said, “Oh, that’s sad.” Nothing else. And once I arrived back to the apartment, it hasn’t been the same. They are both in class, and have no idea how to talk around me and how to act, when I am with them. I feel like they want to keep me in this safety bubble, and they are afraid that one day if they say the wrong thing, that I will burst and have this total meltdown. So, with them treating me like this fragile infant, I just got fed up with dealing with them, and withdrew myself from them too.

I feel like the longer I am in the funk, or whatever it is, I will completely withdraw from the world. I don’t even want to step outside of my room anymore.I have no idea what is happening to me; I was never like this before. Though I am an introvert, I have always been a happy person and always smiling. Now nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

If anyone has any ideas of what could help, I would really appreciate it. I miss my old self, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

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Disappointment Comes In Many Forms

Disappointment. A word no one likes to hear, especially from a loved one. That is one of the worst things someone could say to you; saying they are so disappointed in what you have done. As a child, and then a teenager, I never knew how much disappointment could hurt you when you are disappointed in yourself. I’ve always been the one who someone is disappointed at, and never really the other way around. Well, until the other day.

I waited a little bit, to truly know what to say and how to feel about what happened, and I am still so upset and..disappointed. To give a bit of a back story, I was supposed to be in my junior year of college, but sadly I am not. To become a teacher, I have to get into the cohort for education majors. This includes applying and an interview, along with other things. Sadly, I didn’t have everything in place to apply and, in the end, couldn’t enter the cohort, so I have to wait a year. And it isn’t that I’m sad about, it’s what my parents didn’t allow me to do.

In the year that I have to wait to apply to be in the cohort, I wanted to take some sign language courses. I took one during the summer, and wanted to continue learning, so I could become fluent. I was only going to take one course this semester, but once I told my parents, they weren’t so thrilled. They told me I had to withdraw from the school, until next year. I did what they asked, but I cannot stop thinking about how disappointed I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am still trying to learn, and teach myself sign language, but it would have been better with a teacher in the same room as I am.

Sign language is something I really want to learn and be able to do. If I do become fluent in  the next few years, I want to see about becoming a teacher to only deaf students. That is my dream, but with what has happened, I can’t say that I am disappointed in what my parents made me do. But in the long run, it just gave me more of a push. This made me realize how much I want this, and will push me to learn more and more without a real teacher.