You know the times when you see glimpses of a person’s true self? The times when you can be completely terrified or completely in love. I have seen these times, and I’m not sure how to react.
My boyfriend and I recently got a puppy, and of course its been a difficult ride, so far. But tonight. Tonight I have seen bits of him that make me question myself.
Earlier tonight, our dog, Draco (yes he is named after a Harry Potter character), peed in my room. I was already upset, and went to scold him. My boyfriend, Chris, said that I need to step away because I was “too” upset. I was okay with that…until he peed in my room again and Chris scolded him. But it wasn’t just scolding, but more like beating. I had to yell at him to get him to stop, and he said it was just because he was upset. Upset at who? Draco for peeing? Or at us for not taking him out because we are trying to avoid my roommates. (That’s for another time)
He said that I couldn’t pop Draco’s butt because of what he did and how I was acting, but it was perfectly alright for his to beat him until the dog ran crying? He says he is training him, but that is teaching him to be scared of humans, not that peeing in the house in wrong. Is this how he is going to act every time he gets mad? If so, I can’t be with someone like that. I already went through something like that, and was lucky enough to get out of it.
He always does this in some sort of way though. He undermines me, and goes with his own opinion instead, not even listening to mine. Like when I told him to not let Draco sleep with us, and that he still needed to sleep in the crate. But just guess who sleeps in the bed… Until two days ago when Draco peed in his bed. But he has already peed in mine, but it wasn’t “that bad”, until it happened to him. It’s like he doesn’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.
Whenever I get upset, it’s not okay, and I need to “talk things out”, even though that’s not how I like to handle things. I don’t like to talk about things that are affecting only me. But, when he is upset, it’s alright and I can’t get mad at him for wanting him to do the same. He can block me out all he wants, but I have to constantly let him in?
This isn’t how a relationship works. This isn’t a one way road.
So I sit here writing all this down, so that I can get it off my chest without talking to him about it. And yeah I should, but thing is, I already tried that and he got mad. Shocker. Why can’t this be easier? I know that relationships take time an effort, but all the effort this is going into making sure I don’t upset him, is draining me. And, it doesn’t seem like he is doing the same. Maybe I’m just blind.