Miscarriage: The One Word No Woman Wants to Hear

No one will ever know the pain of losing a child, unless they have been through it themselves. No one will know what thoughts were in your head, the moment you felt your sweet baby leave your body. No one will know how deeply it affects you, as a being. A mother.

I didn’t know I was pregnant, until I lost you. I didn’t know how lucky I was, until I felt like the most unlucky person in the world. Just because I didn’t know about you, until you went to Heaven, doesn’t mean I don’t love you now. I will love you, and miss you every day of my life.

Two days ago, I thought I was having my period, until I saw what no woman ever wants to see. The tissue. The sure sign that you have lost a part of you, a part of your heart, and your soul.

Only 1 in 4 woman, knows the pain that I am feeling right now. And, I would never wish this on anyone, ever. These woman, who have been through this, could’ve had it a lot worse than I have. They could’ve know that there was a tiny human in them, and they had to stand back, being able to do nothing as they lose their child.

As I sit here, wanting to just curl up until all of this goes away, I think of how strong this will make me, and how God has to have done this for some reason. For now, I can just wait and see. Getting stronger every day.

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True Self: Blessing or Curse?

You know the times when you see glimpses of a person’s true self? The times when you can be completely terrified or completely in love. I have seen these times, and I’m not sure how to react.

My boyfriend and I recently got a puppy, and of course its been a difficult ride, so far. But tonight. Tonight I have seen bits of him that make me question myself.

Earlier tonight, our dog, Draco (yes he is named after a Harry Potter character), peed in my room. I was already upset, and went to scold him. My boyfriend, Chris, said that I need to step away because I was “too” upset. I was okay with that…until he peed in my room again and Chris scolded him. But it wasn’t just scolding, but more like beating. I had to yell at him to get him to stop, and he said it was just because he was upset. Upset at who? Draco for peeing? Or at us for not taking him out because we are trying to avoid my roommates. (That’s for another time)

He said that I couldn’t pop Draco’s butt because of what he did and how I was acting, but it was perfectly alright for his to beat him until the dog ran crying? He says he is training  him, but that is teaching him to be scared of humans, not that peeing in the house in wrong. Is this how he is going to act every time he gets mad? If so, I can’t be with someone like that. I already went through something like that, and was lucky enough to get out of it.

He always does this in some sort of way though. He undermines me, and goes with his own opinion instead, not even listening to mine. Like when I told him to not let Draco sleep with us, and that he still needed to sleep in the crate. But just guess who sleeps in the bed… Until two days ago when Draco peed in his bed. But he has already peed in mine, but it wasn’t “that bad”, until it happened to him. It’s like he doesn’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.

Whenever I get upset, it’s not okay, and I need to “talk things out”, even though that’s not how I like to handle things. I don’t like to talk about things that are affecting only me. But, when he is upset, it’s alright and I can’t get mad at him for wanting him to do the same. He can block me out all he wants, but I have to constantly let him in?

This isn’t how a relationship works. This isn’t a one way road.

So I sit here writing all this down, so that I can get it off my chest without talking to him about it. And yeah I should, but thing is, I already tried that and he got mad. Shocker. Why can’t this be easier? I know that relationships take time an effort, but all the effort this is going into making sure I don’t upset him, is draining me. And, it doesn’t seem like he is doing the same. Maybe I’m just blind.

The Mediator

That’s what I am classified as; a mediator. I have been doing a lot of research with the 16 different personality types, and figuring out which one I am. (I would recommend doing the same) It was very insightful to see how my actions and thoughts coincided with these types of personalities.

I took one of the many tests, that are online, to see what I would turn out to be. I was classified under INFP (variant: Turbulent), which means Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perspective/ Prospecting.

I knew from the beginning that I would be shown as introverted, because I tend to act genuinely shy around strangers, until I get to know someone as a friend. I also guessed on the Feeling, because as mentioned in another post, I am an empath and feeling is all I do. The test describes Intuitive as a person who is “very imaginative, open-minded, and curious”. While the Perspective/ Prospective is a person who is very good at improvising, and are considered non-conformists”. The variant, Turbulent, means that I am self-conscious and sensitive to stress.

I had no idea how correct this test would be. I began to research just my type to see how people describe us, and came across this quote that spoke to me. The last sentence said, “You are still a stranger, and I’m overly polite, so I’ll ask all about your day when I’d rather know about your life.” Victoria Erickson, the person behind the quote, is a genius in my books because she knew how to state that, in the right words.

Through this test, it feels like I found out more about myself, that I should’ve known but never really thought about. It also makes me feel not so alone.

If you want to take the test yourself, this is the webpage I used:

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Funk, Depression, Or Funky Depression?

Have you ever been in the mood to do absolutely nothing; never having any energy to even get out of bed? That has been me for the past couple of days. I didn’t think anything of it, until I spent 4 days in bed, only getting out to get food or use the bathroom. I thought maybe its because I’m lazy and have no plans, but the more I thought about it, it started when I had to drop out of class, and withdraw from school.

My train of thought transferred to the reasoning that it’s just because I am used to having to go to class, and now with that gone, I don’t know what to do. But that couldn’t really be the reason for my funk. Then it hit me today, I could possibly be depressed because the class that I had to drop out of was my favorite class of all times, and I was so excited to take it. I don’t even want to talk to my roommates anymore. They have been my best friends for 5 years now, and now when I even hear them laughing and having fun, in the living room, I get so irritated. But yet, I don’t want to go out there and chat with them and have fun; I just want to sit in my room, in the peace and quiet. I saw this quote and it described what I am feeling.

“Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don’t exist.”

I think this is because they don’t know how to interact with me anymore. When I told them I was withdrawing from the school, they just said, “Oh, that’s sad.” Nothing else. And once I arrived back to the apartment, it hasn’t been the same. They are both in class, and have no idea how to talk around me and how to act, when I am with them. I feel like they want to keep me in this safety bubble, and they are afraid that one day if they say the wrong thing, that I will burst and have this total meltdown. So, with them treating me like this fragile infant, I just got fed up with dealing with them, and withdrew myself from them too.

I feel like the longer I am in the funk, or whatever it is, I will completely withdraw from the world. I don’t even want to step outside of my room anymore.I have no idea what is happening to me; I was never like this before. Though I am an introvert, I have always been a happy person and always smiling. Now nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

If anyone has any ideas of what could help, I would really appreciate it. I miss my old self, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

Just One Word…

I know I haven’t written in a while, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better at this whole blog thing. But something at work happened today, and I just had to type it all out, and put it out there for the world.

Have you ever been talking to someone, or listening to their story, and it just makes all these memories (good or bad) come rushing back? Well I get this all the time, and the memories that came back today about knocked the wind right out of me. This woman came into JCPenny’s today, and I have seen her there before. She always talks to me, and I love our conversations. She is so intelligent, wise, and kind; I could just listen to her for hours on end. This woman hasn’t had the best hands dealt, but she always tries to remain positive (and I don’t know how she does it). I digress. Anyway, she put the world and what’s important into perspective.

I asked her how the new job was going, and she explained they decided to give it to someone else, all because of how she looked. That shocked me, because she came to get a new outfit (that I helped pick out) for this job, and she could barely afford it, but she decided to invest to start making money, and do good at this new job. She went on to say that this manager was very rude to her, and made her feel so bad. Like a middle schooler looking at a model in a magazine. Which I couldn’t understand, because she was so beautiful to me, and it wasn’t just her outer appearance. But, she said that she could only except it and move on after seeing a terrible car accident.

This accident had 3 hospitalized and 1 died on impact. I had to go look it up after I got off work, to understand how bad it was. She stated that she and her cousin stopped to see if they could help, and when walking to the cars, found a prosthetic leg. Turns out it belonged to one of the victims. She went on to describe how awful these people were, with all the gashes and wounds. I could only imagine how bad it actually was. When she was telling her story,  I began to think of my family’s own tragedy that happened.

My father was in a wreck, with a drunk driver, when I was younger. It was awful, and I almost lost my dad forever. It seemed like a miracle happened, and it turned out that it’s exactly what happened. He mentioned he heard God’s voice to “move over and slow down, this is gonna hurt.” You may not believe in God or a higher power, and that is perfectly fine. But after that, I had no problem with my faith. It actually became worse when we found that my dad’s neck was broken, and the doctor’s didn’t notice the break until 3 years later.

While she was telling her story, my eyes began to turn red and I started to tear up. I had to leave the kiosk and calm myself down, after she left. Maybe I was supposed to hear all of this today for some reason. It made me honestly start thinking about my life and what I view as important. And this may honestly have no effect on you, and that is fine too. I just needed to get my story out, even it only helps one person. Just know that whatever you may be going through, you will get through it and it may seem terrible at the time, but it happened for a reason, and it will make you stronger. I know that I sure am.

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Today I was just wandering through Pinterest, and came across this quote. It spoke to me on so many levels. Recently, I have had problems, and the thought of taking away how sensitive I was would somehow solve all of my problems. I thought, if I couldn’t feel things the way I do, then maybe I would be a stronger person, that I would be respected and people would actually care for what I had to say or do. But now, I realize that if I could possibly take away this one trait, everything about me would turn dark.

What A Great Time…

What a great way to start off the year.

Everyone dreams and wants that midnight kiss on New Year’s, with the one person they love. I dreamt of that this year with my boyfriend, Tyler. We were both in separate states for Christmas, and neither of us could wait to get back just in time for New Year’s Eve. But, to my disappointment, his flight didn’t get in until after midnight…or so he told.

You see, when you tell a lie, make sure to not make a mistake…or several. Tyler told me his flight was two different times, when it actually turned out to be neither. How did I find out? If you are supposed to be flying, don’t text the person you are hiding it from. Then he had the smart idea to SnapChat me a picture, where I could see where he was.

I would have been fine if he just told me that he wanted to spend time with his friends, but right as I called him out for it, he started ignoring me. I haven’t been able to talk to him all night long. This is just how I wanted to spend my New Year’s Day; crying in my room. Whelp, I guess you could say I’m starting off the new year single.

Journal for the day: What was your best or worst New Year’s celebration?