Miscarriage: The One Word No Woman Wants to Hear

No one will ever know the pain of losing a child, unless they have been through it themselves. No one will know what thoughts were in your head, the moment you felt your sweet baby leave your body. No one will know how deeply it affects you, as a being. A mother.

I didn’t know I was pregnant, until I lost you. I didn’t know how lucky I was, until I felt like the most unlucky person in the world. Just because I didn’t know about you, until you went to Heaven, doesn’t mean I don’t love you now. I will love you, and miss you every day of my life.

Two days ago, I thought I was having my period, until I saw what no woman ever wants to see. The tissue. The sure sign that you have lost a part of you, a part of your heart, and your soul.

Only 1 in 4 woman, knows the pain that I am feeling right now. And, I would never wish this on anyone, ever. These woman, who have been through this, could’ve had it a lot worse than I have. They could’ve know that there was a tiny human in them, and they had to stand back, being able to do nothing as they lose their child.

As I sit here, wanting to just curl up until all of this goes away, I think of how strong this will make me, and how God has to have done this for some reason. For now, I can just wait and see. Getting stronger every day.

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Just One Word…

I know I haven’t written in a while, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better at this whole blog thing. But something at work happened today, and I just had to type it all out, and put it out there for the world.

Have you ever been talking to someone, or listening to their story, and it just makes all these memories (good or bad) come rushing back? Well I get this all the time, and the memories that came back today about knocked the wind right out of me. This woman came into JCPenny’s today, and I have seen her there before. She always talks to me, and I love our conversations. She is so intelligent, wise, and kind; I could just listen to her for hours on end. This woman hasn’t had the best hands dealt, but she always tries to remain positive (and I don’t know how she does it). I digress. Anyway, she put the world and what’s important into perspective.

I asked her how the new job was going, and she explained they decided to give it to someone else, all because of how she looked. That shocked me, because she came to get a new outfit (that I helped pick out) for this job, and she could barely afford it, but she decided to invest to start making money, and do good at this new job. She went on to say that this manager was very rude to her, and made her feel so bad. Like a middle schooler looking at a model in a magazine. Which I couldn’t understand, because she was so beautiful to me, and it wasn’t just her outer appearance. But, she said that she could only except it and move on after seeing a terrible car accident.

This accident had 3 hospitalized and 1 died on impact. I had to go look it up after I got off work, to understand how bad it was. She stated that she and her cousin stopped to see if they could help, and when walking to the cars, found a prosthetic leg. Turns out it belonged to one of the victims. She went on to describe how awful these people were, with all the gashes and wounds. I could only imagine how bad it actually was. When she was telling her story,  I began to think of my family’s own tragedy that happened.

My father was in a wreck, with a drunk driver, when I was younger. It was awful, and I almost lost my dad forever. It seemed like a miracle happened, and it turned out that it’s exactly what happened. He mentioned he heard God’s voice to “move over and slow down, this is gonna hurt.” You may not believe in God or a higher power, and that is perfectly fine. But after that, I had no problem with my faith. It actually became worse when we found that my dad’s neck was broken, and the doctor’s didn’t notice the break until 3 years later.

While she was telling her story, my eyes began to turn red and I started to tear up. I had to leave the kiosk and calm myself down, after she left. Maybe I was supposed to hear all of this today for some reason. It made me honestly start thinking about my life and what I view as important. And this may honestly have no effect on you, and that is fine too. I just needed to get my story out, even it only helps one person. Just know that whatever you may be going through, you will get through it and it may seem terrible at the time, but it happened for a reason, and it will make you stronger. I know that I sure am.

You know, I’ve been thinking lately. About my future, my life in general, my choices I’ve made. It just seems like my life is going down this huge black pit. Have you guys felt like that? Like you can’t control anything that is happening to you? Like all you can do it sit back and watch?

Recently, I have been having trouble with school. I’m applying to enter the education major cohort, and it seems like nothing is going my way. My GPA isn’t high enough by only a few points, the website isn’t letting me pay to take some exams I need to, and more. I know I am most likely just blaming everything but myself. And I know, the GPA thing is my fault, and I am currently working on that. But I just want something to just once go my way.

You see, I recently broke up with my boyfriend… well ex-boyfriend. During our relationship, I had a hand-full of medical problems. Things from finding out I was anemic, to ovarian cysts, to bleeding for three straight months. (SORRY BOYS). But, things got strangely good, after we ended it. All of my medical problems seem to vanish, except for anemia. It seems like he was the reason my body was acting against me. Like it was God’s way of telling me that he wasn’t good or me. Could he doing the same thing for college? Could I be possibly made to do something else with my life?

I have been shown so many different things recently; things that are people’s life. One was the head person of an orphanage in Haiti, and she seemed amazing. Everything she has done for this place was great. It got me thinking. What if I was meant to do something that actually affects lives of others? I want my life to help others, whether they be in physical or mental need. I guess the only thing to do is see where God and I take this.

Journal topic for the day: What is your major goal in life? What can you do to make this happen?

Words Speak in Many Ways

Over the past year, I have had many difficulties and hardships. All of the things that have happened have built up my stress to new and high measures, as well as wearing down my spirit and body. You see, through the year I’ve had two grandparents die, found out I am anemic, found ovarian cysts, did horribly in this last semester of college, and more. I know that the grades thing doesn’t seem that major, compared to the rest that has happened, but this past semester determines whether or not I get into the cohort, for my major.

For the past half year, things kept building and piling up. I tried to do everything, in my power, to work with the situations that were handed to me, but somewhere along the way I gave up. I saw what was happening and I just didn’t care anymore. I wanted to just give up, and move back home, instead of having to deal with a lot of this on my own.

With recent events, my mom and I had a long heart-to-heart. She saw how hard everything was hitting me, and how I couldn’t handle it, mentally or physically. She gave me some advice; to read the bible when I was worried or couldn’t sleep. Normally, I just brushed it off and didn’t think anything of it. Until it started getting worse. I started to not be able to sleep, at all. (Like at the most 4 hours in a night). And then, I started to have difficulties that are feminine. So, tonight I was up and started to feel pain around where my ovaries are, and being the person I am, I looked up these symptoms (mostly to freak myself out). But, I started to think what if I actually have ovarian cancer, or have to get my ovaries removed. I’m too young for that; I am only 19 years old.

Remembering what my mom said, I grabbed my bible and opened it to a random page and started reading. I couldn’t believe it. It was talking about how God can fix all of our problems, whether it be big or small, and that I need to have faith in him and he will do great things. So, I set my bible down and prayed to God, telling him everything and asking for his healing touch. When I was done, I picked the bible back up and opened to another page. This time it told me that I will have to be patient, and believe that God will help me, in his own time.

I know maybe some of y’all aren’t religious, or believe in God, but I do. I believe that he is an amazing God, and he will do great things in our lives. Through this, he has rested my spirit. I urge you to do the same thing.

Journal topic for the day: Write down a prayer, even if you aren’t religious. Write down all the troubles that are effecting you, at this moment, to get it off your chest.