True Self: Blessing or Curse?

You know the times when you see glimpses of a person’s true self? The times when you can be completely terrified or completely in love. I have seen these times, and I’m not sure how to react.

My boyfriend and I recently got a puppy, and of course its been a difficult ride, so far. But tonight. Tonight I have seen bits of him that make me question myself.

Earlier tonight, our dog, Draco (yes he is named after a Harry Potter character), peed in my room. I was already upset, and went to scold him. My boyfriend, Chris, said that I need to step away because I was “too” upset. I was okay with that…until he peed in my room again and Chris scolded him. But it wasn’t just scolding, but more like beating. I had to yell at him to get him to stop, and he said it was just because he was upset. Upset at who? Draco for peeing? Or at us for not taking him out because we are trying to avoid my roommates. (That’s for another time)

He said that I couldn’t pop Draco’s butt because of what he did and how I was acting, but it was perfectly alright for his to beat him until the dog ran crying? He says he is training ┬áhim, but that is teaching him to be scared of humans, not that peeing in the house in wrong. Is this how he is going to act every time he gets mad? If so, I can’t be with someone like that. I already went through something like that, and was lucky enough to get out of it.

He always does this in some sort of way though. He undermines me, and goes with his own opinion instead, not even listening to mine. Like when I told him to not let Draco sleep with us, and that he still needed to sleep in the crate. But just guess who sleeps in the bed… Until two days ago when Draco peed in his bed. But he has already peed in mine, but it wasn’t “that bad”, until it happened to him. It’s like he doesn’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.

Whenever I get upset, it’s not okay, and I need to “talk things out”, even though that’s not how I like to handle things. I don’t like to talk about things that are affecting only me. But, when he is upset, it’s alright and I can’t get mad at him for wanting him to do the same. He can block me out all he wants, but I have to constantly let him in?

This isn’t how a relationship works. This isn’t a one way road.

So I sit here writing all this down, so that I can get it off my chest without talking to him about it. And yeah I should, but thing is, I already tried that and he got mad. Shocker. Why can’t this be easier? I know that relationships take time an effort, but all the effort this is going into making sure I don’t upset him, is draining me. And, it doesn’t seem like he is doing the same. Maybe I’m just blind.

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Words Speak in Many Ways

Over the past year, I have had many difficulties and hardships. All of the things that have happened have built up my stress to new and high measures, as well as wearing down my spirit and body. You see, through the year I’ve had two grandparents die, found out I am anemic, found ovarian cysts, did horribly in this last semester of college, and more. I know that the grades thing doesn’t seem that major, compared to the rest that has happened, but this past semester determines whether or not I get into the cohort, for my major.

For the past half year, things kept building and piling up. I tried to do everything, in my power, to work with the situations that were handed to me, but somewhere along the way I gave up. I saw what was happening and I just didn’t care anymore. I wanted to just give up, and move back home, instead of having to deal with a lot of this on my own.

With recent events, my mom and I had a long heart-to-heart. She saw how hard everything was hitting me, and how I couldn’t handle it, mentally or physically. She gave me some advice; to read the bible when I was worried or couldn’t sleep. Normally, I just brushed it off and didn’t think anything of it. Until it started getting worse. I started to not be able to sleep, at all. (Like at the most 4 hours in a night). And then, I started to have difficulties that are feminine. So, tonight I was up and started to feel pain around where my ovaries are, and being the person I am, I looked up these symptoms (mostly to freak myself out). But, I started to think what if I actually have ovarian cancer, or have to get my ovaries removed. I’m too young for that; I am only 19 years old.

Remembering what my mom said, I grabbed my bible and opened it to a random page and started reading. I couldn’t believe it. It was talking about how God can fix all of our problems, whether it be big or small, and that I need to have faith in him and he will do great things. So, I set my bible down and prayed to God, telling him everything and asking for his healing touch. When I was done, I picked the bible back up and opened to another page. This time it told me that I will have to be patient, and believe that God will help me, in his own time.

I know maybe some of y’all aren’t religious, or believe in God, but I do. I believe that he is an amazing God, and he will do great things in our lives. Through this, he has rested my spirit. I urge you to do the same thing.

Journal topic for the day: Write down a prayer, even if you aren’t religious. Write down all the troubles that are effecting you, at this moment, to get it off your chest.

What A Great Time…

What a great way to start off the year.

Everyone dreams and wants that midnight kiss on New Year’s, with the one person they love. I dreamt of that this year with my boyfriend, Tyler. We were both in separate states for Christmas, and neither of us could wait to get back just in time for New Year’s Eve. But, to my disappointment, his flight didn’t get in until after midnight…or so he told.

You see, when you tell a lie, make sure to not make a mistake…or several. Tyler told me his flight was two different times, when it actually turned out to be neither. How did I find out? If you are supposed to be flying, don’t text the person you are hiding it from. Then he had the smart idea to SnapChat me a picture, where I could see where he was.

I would have been fine if he just told me that he wanted to spend time with his friends, but right as I called him out for it, he started ignoring me. I haven’t been able to talk to him all night long. This is just how I wanted to spend my New Year’s Day; crying in my room. Whelp, I guess you could say I’m starting off the new year single.

Journal for the day: What was your best or worst New Year’s celebration?

The Major Component

Relationships. The ┬ámost difficult and time consuming thing a human does. But why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves in the line of fire, just to feel somewhat less alone? We consume most of our lives trying to find our “soulmate”, doing everything in our power to create this fairytale ending.

Don’t get me wrong, I do the same thing. I have a boyfriend, that I care so much for, but sometimes I question myself. Like today, we were supposed to go out to eat, for a date, but then I saw that he was making plans with one of his fraternity brothers. I asked him about it, thinking that he forgot what we were going to do. He replied saying that he lost his debit card, and we couldn’t go out. I understood, but this isn’t the first time he has either forgot about me, or pushed our plans to the side.

I, for one, have never been good at relationships. Actually I am bloody awful. I always seem to find something wrong with the guy, and pick at it till I make it bleed, per say. But this one is different. We have had our fights and makeups, our silent days. He and I both have done stuff that neither of us like. Usually I would see that thing or things that he did, and make that a reason to breakup with him. But I don’t want that. Even through our struggles, I have always told myself that we can fix it.

Is this what true love is? Being able to go through any and everything, and still wanting to be with them. Through thick and thin. Or am I wasting my time? I care so much for him, and I hate fighting. I just wish it would be…perfect.

Journal topic for the day: Think about the first time you fell in love. Go through and write your high points and low points of the relationship, and how this made you stronger.