Miscarriage: The One Word No Woman Wants to Hear

No one will ever know the pain of losing a child, unless they have been through it themselves. No one will know what thoughts were in your head, the moment you felt your sweet baby leave your body. No one will know how deeply it affects you, as a being. A mother.

I didn’t know I was pregnant, until I lost you. I didn’t know how lucky I was, until I felt like the most unlucky person in the world. Just because I didn’t know about you, until you went to Heaven, doesn’t mean I don’t love you now. I will love you, and miss you every day of my life.

Two days ago, I thought I was having my period, until I saw what no woman ever wants to see. The tissue. The sure sign that you have lost a part of you, a part of your heart, and your soul.

Only 1 in 4 woman, knows the pain that I am feeling right now. And, I would never wish this on anyone, ever. These woman, who have been through this, could’ve had it a lot worse than I have. They could’ve know that there was a tiny human in them, and they had to stand back, being able to do nothing as they lose their child.

As I sit here, wanting to just curl up until all of this goes away, I think of how strong this will make me, and how God has to have done this for some reason. For now, I can just wait and see. Getting stronger every day.

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Funk, Depression, Or Funky Depression?

Have you ever been in the mood to do absolutely nothing; never having any energy to even get out of bed? That has been me for the past couple of days. I didn’t think anything of it, until I spent 4 days in bed, only getting out to get food or use the bathroom. I thought maybe its because I’m lazy and have no plans, but the more I thought about it, it started when I had to drop out of class, and withdraw from school.

My train of thought transferred to the reasoning that it’s just because I am used to having to go to class, and now with that gone, I don’t know what to do. But that couldn’t really be the reason for my funk. Then it hit me today, I could possibly be depressed because the class that I had to drop out of was my favorite class of all times, and I was so excited to take it. I don’t even want to talk to my roommates anymore. They have been my best friends for 5 years now, and now when I even hear them laughing and having fun, in the living room, I get so irritated. But yet, I don’t want to go out there and chat with them and have fun; I just want to sit in my room, in the peace and quiet. I saw this quote and it described what I am feeling.

“Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don’t exist.”

I think this is because they don’t know how to interact with me anymore. When I told them I was withdrawing from the school, they just said, “Oh, that’s sad.” Nothing else. And once I arrived back to the apartment, it hasn’t been the same. They are both in class, and have no idea how to talk around me and how to act, when I am with them. I feel like they want to keep me in this safety bubble, and they are afraid that one day if they say the wrong thing, that I will burst and have this total meltdown. So, with them treating me like this fragile infant, I just got fed up with dealing with them, and withdrew myself from them too.

I feel like the longer I am in the funk, or whatever it is, I will completely withdraw from the world. I don’t even want to step outside of my room anymore.I have no idea what is happening to me; I was never like this before. Though I am an introvert, I have always been a happy person and always smiling. Now nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

If anyone has any ideas of what could help, I would really appreciate it. I miss my old self, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.