The “T” Word

Since it is Mental Health Week, I decided to come out of the deep abyss I have been hiding in. Mental health has always been that one topic that hardly anyone wants to talk about, including me for the longest of times. But why? Why is talking about how we are doing mentally and emotionally so hard?

For me, it was not wanting anyone to know that I was not…FINE. The one word we grew up learning to say if someone were to ask how we were. “Never show how you really are” was ingrained into our brains at such a young age. Even with my family, they didn’t want to know that I was battling depression, or thought that I was mentally disabled in a way.

It isn’t their fault. Not in the slightest. That is just how society is to some people. Yes, there are those few who can be completely open with their families, and I envy them. I wish I was able to show what was truly going on in this brain of mine.

Recently, I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Disorders, as well as bipolar tendencies. As soon as I heard this come out of my doctor’s mouth, I wished I never heard him udder any of those words. When this was spoken, it came to light that I had something “wrong” with me. I use those quotation marks now because I know they don’t make me any less of a person.

Granted, up until this week, I have been trying to avoid the topic. That was until I could not stand the stress and panic attacks anymore.  I was having outbursts and panic attacks in public; the absolute worst place to have one (in my mind). I did not want anyone, especially family, knowing that there was something off about me, and I have never been one to be open with my family.

So, off to therapy I went. The dreaded “T” word.

I felt ashamed that I even had to go, that I couldn’t handle this on my own. But once I started opening up to this complete stranger, I began to realize that keeping all this in was the last thing I needed. I needed someone to hear what all I was going through, and to not judge me. That is why I didn’t open up to my family. Being conservative Christians, they tend to look down upon those who are not exactly how they picture everyone should be. Including me.

Little do they know, I’ve had sex (let alone a miscarriage), I curse, I have tattoos, I drink and I have done drugs. All the things they hate…

As I began to mention this to my therapist, it came to light how much I truly keep from them and how much that does affect me. Excuse my rant. By the end of the session, I felt so much better.

I know I have so long to go, but that one footstep to me being okay with my disorders is going to change my life. Mental health is something no one should hide! 1 in 4 people have some sort of mental health  issue, but most have no been diagnosed. So, if you even have am inkling that you might, PLEASE go talk to someone. They might end up saving your life.

THERAPY will never be a word I fear anymore. Neither will my disorders.

 

Miscarriage: The One Word No Woman Wants to Hear

No one will ever know the pain of losing a child, unless they have been through it themselves. No one will know what thoughts were in your head, the moment you felt your sweet baby leave your body. No one will know how deeply it affects you, as a being. A mother.

I didn’t know I was pregnant, until I lost you. I didn’t know how lucky I was, until I felt like the most unlucky person in the world. Just because I didn’t know about you, until you went to Heaven, doesn’t mean I don’t love you now. I will love you, and miss you every day of my life.

Two days ago, I thought I was having my period, until I saw what no woman ever wants to see. The tissue. The sure sign that you have lost a part of you, a part of your heart, and your soul.

Only 1 in 4 woman, knows the pain that I am feeling right now. And, I would never wish this on anyone, ever. These woman, who have been through this, could’ve had it a lot worse than I have. They could’ve know that there was a tiny human in them, and they had to stand back, being able to do nothing as they lose their child.

As I sit here, wanting to just curl up until all of this goes away, I think of how strong this will make me, and how God has to have done this for some reason. For now, I can just wait and see. Getting stronger every day.

True Self: Blessing or Curse?

You know the times when you see glimpses of a person’s true self? The times when you can be completely terrified or completely in love. I have seen these times, and I’m not sure how to react.

My boyfriend and I recently got a puppy, and of course its been a difficult ride, so far. But tonight. Tonight I have seen bits of him that make me question myself.

Earlier tonight, our dog, Draco (yes he is named after a Harry Potter character), peed in my room. I was already upset, and went to scold him. My boyfriend, Chris, said that I need to step away because I was “too” upset. I was okay with that…until he peed in my room again and Chris scolded him. But it wasn’t just scolding, but more like beating. I had to yell at him to get him to stop, and he said it was just because he was upset. Upset at who? Draco for peeing? Or at us for not taking him out because we are trying to avoid my roommates. (That’s for another time)

He said that I couldn’t pop Draco’s butt because of what he did and how I was acting, but it was perfectly alright for his to beat him until the dog ran crying? He says he is training  him, but that is teaching him to be scared of humans, not that peeing in the house in wrong. Is this how he is going to act every time he gets mad? If so, I can’t be with someone like that. I already went through something like that, and was lucky enough to get out of it.

He always does this in some sort of way though. He undermines me, and goes with his own opinion instead, not even listening to mine. Like when I told him to not let Draco sleep with us, and that he still needed to sleep in the crate. But just guess who sleeps in the bed… Until two days ago when Draco peed in his bed. But he has already peed in mine, but it wasn’t “that bad”, until it happened to him. It’s like he doesn’t take my thoughts and feelings into account.

Whenever I get upset, it’s not okay, and I need to “talk things out”, even though that’s not how I like to handle things. I don’t like to talk about things that are affecting only me. But, when he is upset, it’s alright and I can’t get mad at him for wanting him to do the same. He can block me out all he wants, but I have to constantly let him in?

This isn’t how a relationship works. This isn’t a one way road.

So I sit here writing all this down, so that I can get it off my chest without talking to him about it. And yeah I should, but thing is, I already tried that and he got mad. Shocker. Why can’t this be easier? I know that relationships take time an effort, but all the effort this is going into making sure I don’t upset him, is draining me. And, it doesn’t seem like he is doing the same. Maybe I’m just blind.

The Mediator

That’s what I am classified as; a mediator. I have been doing a lot of research with the 16 different personality types, and figuring out which one I am. (I would recommend doing the same) It was very insightful to see how my actions and thoughts coincided with these types of personalities.

I took one of the many tests, that are online, to see what I would turn out to be. I was classified under INFP (variant: Turbulent), which means Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perspective/ Prospecting.

I knew from the beginning that I would be shown as introverted, because I tend to act genuinely shy around strangers, until I get to know someone as a friend. I also guessed on the Feeling, because as mentioned in another post, I am an empath and feeling is all I do. The test describes Intuitive as a person who is “very imaginative, open-minded, and curious”. While the Perspective/ Prospective is a person who is very good at improvising, and are considered non-conformists”. The variant, Turbulent, means that I am self-conscious and sensitive to stress.

I had no idea how correct this test would be. I began to research just my type to see how people describe us, and came across this quote that spoke to me. The last sentence said, “You are still a stranger, and I’m overly polite, so I’ll ask all about your day when I’d rather know about your life.” Victoria Erickson, the person behind the quote, is a genius in my books because she knew how to state that, in the right words.

Through this test, it feels like I found out more about myself, that I should’ve known but never really thought about. It also makes me feel not so alone.

If you want to take the test yourself, this is the webpage I used:

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Disclaimer: Strong Opinions

Warning, this post will hit a soft spot to some people; whether they agree or disagree with what I am about to say. These are just my opinions, and not fact. If you choose, you don’t have to read this.

Lately, I have been seeing all these posts, on social media, about abortion and the fight between pro-life and pro-choice. I am a Christian, and many of the people I follow, are from strictly Christian homes. These posts are all about how pro-choice is basically of the devil. Ever since I can remember, I have always thought differently than the others from my church, and this is another one of those topics, that I view differently.

I have nothing against the ones who think that pro-life is the only way it should be, but church and state should be separated. The country has been fighting over the two and trying to get abortion and birth control illegal. To me, this is the worst and most stupid decision our country could make as a whole. These two things help many women and families, in more ways than just “killing off children”.

Some women get abortions because they know that they can’t take care of a child, at that moment, or don’t want a child. And yes, they could put it up for adoption, but there is already enough kids in the system, that aren’t getting adopted. Why add more to that? Why force people to give birth, when they take everything into consideration, and that is the best choice to them? Choosing abortion is never easy, and I know this from experience. My roommate found out she was pregnant, and abortion was a serious option because she knew that she couldn’t finish school and be a mother all at once, let alone with no job. It took her weeks to find out what she wanted to do; thinking of all the options.

Now onto birth control. Yes it does help women not get pregnant, but that isn’t the only reason people use it. And what if they don’t want to get pregnant? Then they wouldn’t have to get an abortion, or even think about it as an option. It also helps with a lot of period symptoms. Men don’t understand how awful cramps are, and the bleeding can get pretty heavy too.

Let’s see if I can draw a picture for you guys. Many girls have had their appendixes burst, and not do anything about it, because they thought it was just some cramps and they have had worse. Some days I haven’t been able to get out of bed because it hurt to bad to get out of the one position i felt tolerable in.  Birth control calms the cramps down, as well as the bleeding. So how could any of this be of the devil?

You see? Pro-choice isn’t about killing people, because at the time they are being terminated, it is just a group of cells, that aren’t even living yet. Pro-choice is about having the option to do what you want to do with YOUR body, and not controlling what half the population does with theirs.

Rant over.

Muscle Memory

Everyone has a story, whether good or bad, and random things throughout the day can trigger memories of what happened. We hear all these stories of abuse and kidnappings, thinking that it will never happen to us. We feel so bad for those people, and we view them as broken or damaged. And maybe that is true, in a sense. These individuals hate talking about what they went through, and I understand why now. They don’t want to be seen as damaged goods that cannot be fixed.

I honestly thought that I would never talk, let alone write about this, but I figured this is something that I need to get off my chest. Today I was at work, and it was a pretty slow day. So, my coworker (who is male) and I were just hanging out and picking on each other. He decides to pretend like he’s about to kick me, to scare me a little, but he didn’t know about my past. No one does.

When he does this, I flinch to protect myself and move away as fast as possible. To most people, my reaction would have been overboard, but to me it was right. All of a sudden these memories come rushing back to a past relationship, that wasn’t the best. This coworker sees how scared I was, and said, “You know I would never hurt you right?” I apologized and said it was just muscle memory. He didn’t know about the bruises, and marks I used to have hidden under clothing and makeup. He didn’t know about the relationship I was scared to be in, but also scared to leave. He didn’t know anything.

After work, he made me talk about what happened and he did what any other person would do….look at me differently. There is a certain look people give you when they pity you, and I cannot stand it. I am not disabled, I am not broken. Yes, I flinch when I think people will hit me or harm me, in some way. But, I am still me, and if anything, I am stronger than I was before. This relationship shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. People think, “well why wouldn’t they get out faster, and leave this sorry person behind?” One word: terrified. I have seen what it is like when they get mad, and by that, I didn’t want to see when I decided to leave him.

Funk, Depression, Or Funky Depression?

Have you ever been in the mood to do absolutely nothing; never having any energy to even get out of bed? That has been me for the past couple of days. I didn’t think anything of it, until I spent 4 days in bed, only getting out to get food or use the bathroom. I thought maybe its because I’m lazy and have no plans, but the more I thought about it, it started when I had to drop out of class, and withdraw from school.

My train of thought transferred to the reasoning that it’s just because I am used to having to go to class, and now with that gone, I don’t know what to do. But that couldn’t really be the reason for my funk. Then it hit me today, I could possibly be depressed because the class that I had to drop out of was my favorite class of all times, and I was so excited to take it. I don’t even want to talk to my roommates anymore. They have been my best friends for 5 years now, and now when I even hear them laughing and having fun, in the living room, I get so irritated. But yet, I don’t want to go out there and chat with them and have fun; I just want to sit in my room, in the peace and quiet. I saw this quote and it described what I am feeling.

“Sometimes I get so sad. So sad that I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don’t exist.”

I think this is because they don’t know how to interact with me anymore. When I told them I was withdrawing from the school, they just said, “Oh, that’s sad.” Nothing else. And once I arrived back to the apartment, it hasn’t been the same. They are both in class, and have no idea how to talk around me and how to act, when I am with them. I feel like they want to keep me in this safety bubble, and they are afraid that one day if they say the wrong thing, that I will burst and have this total meltdown. So, with them treating me like this fragile infant, I just got fed up with dealing with them, and withdrew myself from them too.

I feel like the longer I am in the funk, or whatever it is, I will completely withdraw from the world. I don’t even want to step outside of my room anymore.I have no idea what is happening to me; I was never like this before. Though I am an introvert, I have always been a happy person and always smiling. Now nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

If anyone has any ideas of what could help, I would really appreciate it. I miss my old self, but I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

Disappointment Comes In Many Forms

Disappointment. A word no one likes to hear, especially from a loved one. That is one of the worst things someone could say to you; saying they are so disappointed in what you have done. As a child, and then a teenager, I never knew how much disappointment could hurt you when you are disappointed in yourself. I’ve always been the one who someone is disappointed at, and never really the other way around. Well, until the other day.

I waited a little bit, to truly know what to say and how to feel about what happened, and I am still so upset and..disappointed. To give a bit of a back story, I was supposed to be in my junior year of college, but sadly I am not. To become a teacher, I have to get into the cohort for education majors. This includes applying and an interview, along with other things. Sadly, I didn’t have everything in place to apply and, in the end, couldn’t enter the cohort, so I have to wait a year. And it isn’t that I’m sad about, it’s what my parents didn’t allow me to do.

In the year that I have to wait to apply to be in the cohort, I wanted to take some sign language courses. I took one during the summer, and wanted to continue learning, so I could become fluent. I was only going to take one course this semester, but once I told my parents, they weren’t so thrilled. They told me I had to withdraw from the school, until next year. I did what they asked, but I cannot stop thinking about how disappointed I am. Don’t get me wrong, I am still trying to learn, and teach myself sign language, but it would have been better with a teacher in the same room as I am.

Sign language is something I really want to learn and be able to do. If I do become fluent in  the next few years, I want to see about becoming a teacher to only deaf students. That is my dream, but with what has happened, I can’t say that I am disappointed in what my parents made me do. But in the long run, it just gave me more of a push. This made me realize how much I want this, and will push me to learn more and more without a real teacher.

Just One Word…

I know I haven’t written in a while, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to get better at this whole blog thing. But something at work happened today, and I just had to type it all out, and put it out there for the world.

Have you ever been talking to someone, or listening to their story, and it just makes all these memories (good or bad) come rushing back? Well I get this all the time, and the memories that came back today about knocked the wind right out of me. This woman came into JCPenny’s today, and I have seen her there before. She always talks to me, and I love our conversations. She is so intelligent, wise, and kind; I could just listen to her for hours on end. This woman hasn’t had the best hands dealt, but she always tries to remain positive (and I don’t know how she does it). I digress. Anyway, she put the world and what’s important into perspective.

I asked her how the new job was going, and she explained they decided to give it to someone else, all because of how she looked. That shocked me, because she came to get a new outfit (that I helped pick out) for this job, and she could barely afford it, but she decided to invest to start making money, and do good at this new job. She went on to say that this manager was very rude to her, and made her feel so bad. Like a middle schooler looking at a model in a magazine. Which I couldn’t understand, because she was so beautiful to me, and it wasn’t just her outer appearance. But, she said that she could only except it and move on after seeing a terrible car accident.

This accident had 3 hospitalized and 1 died on impact. I had to go look it up after I got off work, to understand how bad it was. She stated that she and her cousin stopped to see if they could help, and when walking to the cars, found a prosthetic leg. Turns out it belonged to one of the victims. She went on to describe how awful these people were, with all the gashes and wounds. I could only imagine how bad it actually was. When she was telling her story,  I began to think of my family’s own tragedy that happened.

My father was in a wreck, with a drunk driver, when I was younger. It was awful, and I almost lost my dad forever. It seemed like a miracle happened, and it turned out that it’s exactly what happened. He mentioned he heard God’s voice to “move over and slow down, this is gonna hurt.” You may not believe in God or a higher power, and that is perfectly fine. But after that, I had no problem with my faith. It actually became worse when we found that my dad’s neck was broken, and the doctor’s didn’t notice the break until 3 years later.

While she was telling her story, my eyes began to turn red and I started to tear up. I had to leave the kiosk and calm myself down, after she left. Maybe I was supposed to hear all of this today for some reason. It made me honestly start thinking about my life and what I view as important. And this may honestly have no effect on you, and that is fine too. I just needed to get my story out, even it only helps one person. Just know that whatever you may be going through, you will get through it and it may seem terrible at the time, but it happened for a reason, and it will make you stronger. I know that I sure am.

You know, I’ve been thinking lately. About my future, my life in general, my choices I’ve made. It just seems like my life is going down this huge black pit. Have you guys felt like that? Like you can’t control anything that is happening to you? Like all you can do it sit back and watch?

Recently, I have been having trouble with school. I’m applying to enter the education major cohort, and it seems like nothing is going my way. My GPA isn’t high enough by only a few points, the website isn’t letting me pay to take some exams I need to, and more. I know I am most likely just blaming everything but myself. And I know, the GPA thing is my fault, and I am currently working on that. But I just want something to just once go my way.

You see, I recently broke up with my boyfriend… well ex-boyfriend. During our relationship, I had a hand-full of medical problems. Things from finding out I was anemic, to ovarian cysts, to bleeding for three straight months. (SORRY BOYS). But, things got strangely good, after we ended it. All of my medical problems seem to vanish, except for anemia. It seems like he was the reason my body was acting against me. Like it was God’s way of telling me that he wasn’t good or me. Could he doing the same thing for college? Could I be possibly made to do something else with my life?

I have been shown so many different things recently; things that are people’s life. One was the head person of an orphanage in Haiti, and she seemed amazing. Everything she has done for this place was great. It got me thinking. What if I was meant to do something that actually affects lives of others? I want my life to help others, whether they be in physical or mental need. I guess the only thing to do is see where God and I take this.

Journal topic for the day: What is your major goal in life? What can you do to make this happen?